The rest of this movie is disjointed fun garbage but this opening still gives me chills down my spine.Īlso I think this is one of the only Disney movies that just straight up murders a kid.ĮLIZABETH SWANN!!! We’re in some kind of Asian locale now (we later learn that it is Singapore) and we have wasted no time in having our white female lead menaced by some evil men of color so it’s good to see how racist these movies are and how much better I am at spotting that then I was when I was 21. It is beautiful and dark and defiant and horrible. A young boy starts to sing a shanty as he’s standing on the executioner’s block, and then the song builds, and then everyone sings. The East India Trading Company, which is garbage and can burn in hell, has instituted a fascist regime and is using its power to summarily execute anyone who even looked sideways at a pirate one time. The film opens with what I think is one of the most stirring and beautiful and grim scenes to ever exist in a Disney film, and is much more politically relevant than it was ten years ago. Holy shit this movie is so much longer than I remembered it being.
Oh, no, this is a much worse drawing than I remember but I made my decision.) Please see attached An Actual Self-Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pirate. ( As I may have mentioned before, there was a span of about five years there where pirates were my thing. I have acknowledged this, now I am going to ignore it for the two hours and forty-ish minutes it takes me to get through this stupid theme park ride of a movie.) (Also, disclaimer: Johnny Depp is a garbage domestic abuser. There’s also a scene where she takes more weapons out of her clothing than could possibly fit in there, which is one of my favorite jokes I swear. Elizabeth is the goddamned Pirate King and she will wreck your shit. Get in her way and you might get murdered, brah. She knows what she wants (to bring Jack back from the dead, to get married to Will, and to get hella laid, in that order) and she will do whatever it takes to make it happen. She gives a lack of shits that Hermione in book seven would be proud of. The third movie is about Elizabeth Swann being completely 100% out of shits to give about anything. The second movie is about Captain! Jack Sparrow coming to terms with his mortality. If we’re looking at the movies in terms of which of our main three characters really gets to have their story told, then the first movie is about Will Turner coming to terms with his parentage. Things I remember being great about this movie: Elizabeth Swann, a shout-out to Ching Shih (a Chinese pirate queen who was so impossible to stop she was eventually allowed to retire legally just so she would stop robbing people), a ridiculous scene with coconut snorkels, Elizabeth Swann, a scene where Davy Jones is standing in buckets because he cannot touch dry land, Elizabeth Swann, a wedding taking place in the middle of a shipboard battle, Elizabeth Swann, Elizabeth Swann, and Elizabeth Swann. Do not judge this movie as a movie on its own merits, judge this movie as a trash heap of buckled swashes that’s been sprayed down with fifty gallons of “Yes, And.” Turn your brain off and get ready to have a good time. This movie makes about as much sense as an actual theme park ride and it throws random shit at you with about the same frequency. This movie presents two middle fingers to the laws of physics, turns the wheel firmly toward WHEEEEEE, and then breaks it off and throws it into the ocean. These are all things that I understood when I was watching it ten years ago at the tender age of 21 (Jesus H Christ, really?). This is a movie that can basically be described as Pirates of the Caribbean: The Quest For More Money. This is a movie that had five million ideas and then was incapable of editing them for time or clarity or quality. This is a movie that was rushed through production so hard that half the time the actors didn’t even have scripts until the morning they were shooting.
To quote the author, “PHYSICS CAN EAT A DICK.” With last week’s release of the franchises’ fifth film, resident 10YA pirate-ologist Scarlett O’Hairdye journeys into for a decade-later look at Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
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